The first recorded journal entry I have is from January 30, 2011.
“Dear Diary,
I have been wondering about Noah all day. On the ride home from church I fell asleep and dreamed that Noah asked me to the Valentine’s Day Dance. I really hope he asks me at school tomorrow!
Wish me Luck
Love,
Whitney”
Like many young females in the 2000s, I started writing about my feelings at a young age. I have had many modes of journaling throughout the years. Physical diaries, Password journals, digital journals that have changed as technology has. From a diary app on my Nook color in middle school to a running Google Doc I can access on my phone as an adult.
As many things in childhood, I slowly stopped journaling with the occasional entry in high school. I rediscovered this ability to process your feelings through writing just before the spring semester of my sophomore year of college. A metal spiral bound journal from T.J. Maxx with the words ‘Notes for my future therapist’ with a gold leaf frame on the cover. Little did I know standing in the check out line with my mother the weekend before flying back to college, how much this journal would be a catalyst for the most I have ever journaled consistently in my life and being a springboard for the routine that allowed me to connect my head and my heart in a succinct manner for the first time in a long time.
As has become tradition, I set intentions within the first page of this journal. I didn’t know they were intentions at the time. I called them “Reasons for getting/keeping a journal”. And they were as follows:
Organize thoughts & emotions
Document any growth (spiritual, emotional, mental, etc.)
Healthy outlet for anxiety & depression
Process any confusion and/or concerns
It serves as a reminder when I go back through old entries or as I open it to write a new one , why putting pen to paper is an important part of my mental health journey. Writing has been an amazing outlet for helping make sense of the constant storms and fires in my mind.
Throughout my journaling journey I have had different levels of strictness about how I journal. At one point in time I was very regimented. Writing 3 times a week. Having a certain way I opened and signed each entry. Over time I would get frustrated with myself for not being able to maintain the format. Being frustrated for not writing neatly. Having such strict guidelines for myself is what turned me off from writing. I had to allow myself to see writing from a different perspective and remember the intentions. The point is not to write pinterest worthy pages. The point is to get the shit from my head onto the page. It’s the content of the words that matter, not how they look. Holding that thought has allowed me to truly utilize the coping skill for what it is. A tool to help deal with the fires and chaos in my head.
Allowing myself to have a more bare bones approach to journaling has given me the ability to adapt to the moment. Without the rigidity of format constraints, while I am watching the tsunami wave of feelings build through dissociation; I am able to open the Google Docs app. Instead of building up my self anger by not being able to find a pen amongst the crust level of organized chaos in the episode of hoarders that is my bedroom.
Being able to have a physical and tangible thing to accomplish a goal is a wild and cool thing. I completed my Notes for my future therapist journal on 12/12/21. That’s a lot of 1s and 2s. At this point, I was just over a month into my 2nd IOP program. I was not where I thought I would be in life. I had had the worst panic attack of my life a few weeks prior. I started my first manifestation journal about a week later. 6 days to be exact.
I have said it multiple times in therapy, but journaling has been an amazing anthology for my ADHD short term memory. It has allowed me the ability to truly see the macro level of progress and allow me to not get stuck on the micro view of my journey. Journaling has been a major key in allowing me to maintain perspective.
Losing the rigidity around journaling has made for a malleable evolution and de-evolution of this coping skill. Sometimes, I journal while listening to music. I try not to do other tasks while journaling but sometimes I stop in the middle and then return to finish. Depending on my mood sometimes I don’t do an intro, sometimes I don’t sign off, sometimes I don’t do either. With this more lax attitude my journaling as a wole spans 5 journals, a google doc, a notes app and a semi complete digital archive in a mass doc that is over 80 pages. Allowing the habit to exist in its own space has allowed me to have and develop a voice of my own within my writing.
I am able to be myself. My neurodivergent brain is on full display as I allowed the walls to fall down and not self censor myself. The point of journaling is allowing myself to let go. My writing is definitely a reflection of that. I’d have moments when I was writing where I’d say to myself ‘that’s stupid don’t write that’. I am allowed to be proud of who I am, weird and all. So my journals are littered with random quotes and references because that’s how the thought association in my brain works.
Journaling has allowed me to recognize themes and patterns throughout my mental health journey. At times it can be hard. I talked about it in therapy earlier this week. It is okay if I am on a decline as long as I remember the graph goes back up. It doesn’t mean that the current situation is going to be like it was the last time.
I have also been reminded through less rigidity, that journaling is just one of many tools within my toolbox of coping skills. It is okay if I don’t journal for a while. Habits don’t necessarily die, they just lie dormant until I decide to wake them up again. This mindset allows me to be more at peace with “falling out of habits”. I finished my first manifestation journal in July of 2022. I used my second one til the end of 2022 and then didn’t touch it until April of 2024 and used it 10 times through the year. What has helped me have a healthy relationship with coping skills is that I will use it when I need it. It does not make me a bad person for falling out of habits. Just because I stop doesn’t mean it will never come back. What matters is how I feel when I utilize the skill. Every time I have gone to journal, write manifestations or affirmations I am like, ‘Why did I ever stop doing this?’. As long as I am able to get what I need out of a coping skill in the moment, I have used it properly. There are moments when I write and I am still tense and have to utilize additional skills. There are times I use other skills and journaling is what helps calm me down. I will continue to journal. It may not be regimented, it may not be neat, and it may not be consistent; but when it helps, it helps.
So cheers to 6 years since I wrote those intentions in the notes to my future therapist journal. Here’s to a year full of utilizing coping skills and continuing on my healing journey. Also celebrating one year of EMDR therapy this month! This is the second time I have completed one year of therapy. Might share those stories, one day.
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